another note i wrote for you (written 9 January 2005) but which i never got the chance to give you...if it was any indication of what lied ahead for us--

"I want to think that my crazy hormones are just acting up. But this time, i'm pretty sure that it is not just the hormones...

i love you and you like me. for now, that's just enough for me...whether you love me or not, now that's a different story altogether. to be honest though, i doubt that you do. But that shouldn't be a cause of concern...i'd love you still. i won't promise you "forever" though...i just love you. i'll love you 'til my heart finds its reasons go...

and don't worry about me. i am doing this for myself. i am happy loving you and i am more than grateful that you're allowing me to. Am i disappointed? Not in the slightest bit. it may sound cliche but i've never felt happier than now, with you...

though i would have to admit that sometimes it hurts...but then again the pain is just trifling in comparison with the happiness i'm feeling.

do i want more?

i would be a hypocrite if i say that i don't. there is nothing more glorifying than being loved back by the person you love. but i understand. there are really things we just cannot force upon ourselves.

yes, love is a will, love is a decision, love is a commitment. but love, too, is a feeling and not enough willing can ever feign that...so i wouldn't expect nor ask that you give more or feel more. just allow me to love you the best way i can. again, i understand. not even you can bring yourself to bring yourself to love me. but when the time comes that i would also need to be loves as much that i would need to go, i hope you too would understand"

End of note...

I do not know if you remember this note i read to you when we were just days into the relationship.

"I don't know if i love you now...i don't know if i'll love you ever. one thing i do know though is that i'll never regret saying yes to you...saying yes to us...

not very long ago, i would often tell myself that i don't need a love object to be happy and that life would still be life with or without one...i wouldn't say that i was wrong...after all, i was happy with my life then. But then again, my life shared with you now is way happier

it may be a little premature for me to be saying these things. we've only been together for days and understandably, i am still at my emotional high. But really, this is one of the greatest chapters of my life...and every so often i would be looking back at this if only to be reminded how at one point, i felt great letting myself love intensely."

Yes, it was a great start. but for me, it was never a game. it ended up flat? aren't you happy that it ended. this relationship to you, after all, has become an obligation...i distinctly remember that text message you sent "tell me if you want me to go there, because i'll go there if you want me to." was there ever a time when you came to see me only because you wanted to see me and not because i told you to?

just to be clear, i do not doubt that you loved me back, and for that thank you. hindi nga lang siguro tayo on the same page because i wanted more than what you were willing to give

It's over...

I knew from the start that this was bound to happen but i hang on...i hang on because somehow i hoped that someday you just might learn to love me a little more...that somehow you'll be willing to...now all is pretty clear...it was just wishful thinking from the start...i guess you're not just that into me...

it hurts big time but i know i'll bounce right back...this time without you...

goodbye...