Alone, scared, embattled.

I think i'm doing a great job. it gets easier as days pass by. thanks to friends and family.

Happy Birthday! Have a good one. I wish you well. I wish you the happiness you deserve.

Friends?

"Do you want a relationship na ba now?" "Oo." "O sige. Tayo na. Kung hindi mag-work e di mag-break." - E hindi nag-work, e di nagbreak!

It still hurts. But like all wounds, this too shall heal. Maybe not anytime soon, but it will. Little by little. Baby steps. I'm slowly getting used to our separate lives. I miss the honesty in our conversations, the closeness, the intimacy but I'm getting used to it. Baby steps.

Maybe, friends. At most, friends. But lovers, no more. I am not even hoping. I have given up all hopes of us getting back together. You were, and still are, great with words. I hate myself for believing. Maybe you meant what you had been telling me. I don't know. You miserably failed in your actions. I resent you for so many things. (And I am sure you resent me for so many things too. I was never the perfect girlfriend, i must admit. Diba nga psycho at times. =) But there is no use crying over spilled milk. I saw this coming. I just wish I ended us much earlier. Perhaps it would have been much easier.Perhaps I am happier now somewhere else, with someone else. And maybe you are too with someone else. We would have been two less lonely people in the world by now. Bakit ba kasi nagpadala ako to your flattery, to your kind gestures.

Hays.

This is excruciating.

I'll just sleep it off tonight. I just hope tomorrow when I wake up, this feeling is gone with no trace of it whatsoever.

I am still trying to make sense of what happened to us. I thought we were ok but you just dropped me like a hot potato. Worse, you never bothered to explain what happened in that seven days that we were not together. I am losing my head trying to come up with an intelligent explanation of what happened, what i have done. Do you have a new girl? Have you gotten your old one back? Now, it doesn't matter.

I am moving on. No more second chances this time. Though i doubt that you'd still want one. You seem intent with your resolve.

NOTHING it is!

Its hard. I'm quitting cold turkey too. But I'm sure i'll manage.

You said you wanted me back but these were all lip service. You never really showed that you did want me back..or maybe, intermittently, when we were together. but as it was for you from the start, out of mind, out of sight. I would practically have to beg you to come and see me, to talk to me. Maybe you changed for a time, but maybe i just wasnt goood enough. You were back to your old ways. No doubt you loved me. Your passivity was just something else.

Now you are blaming me.

Anything other than a yes is no? Read between the lines. Weren't actions enough? I was just waiting for you to do your part.

Anything other than a stay is go? You'd stay if you really wanted to. Do i run the relationship?

Anything less than "I love you" is lying. I told you this over and over again.

Again, i have my faults but really i tried. I believe i did except perhaps on that part regarding staying in ACCRA and slaving away there. But this you don't understand. I am in a place where i love, and where i love what i am doing.

Perhaps its really just plain irreconcilable differences. We each take part of the blame for what happened. It is better that way, i guess.

I wish you all the best. I sincerely do.

Thanks for the ride. It was bumpy at times but it was worth all my close to six years.

Now on to the next chapter.

another note i wrote for you (written 9 January 2005) but which i never got the chance to give you...if it was any indication of what lied ahead for us--

"I want to think that my crazy hormones are just acting up. But this time, i'm pretty sure that it is not just the hormones...

i love you and you like me. for now, that's just enough for me...whether you love me or not, now that's a different story altogether. to be honest though, i doubt that you do. But that shouldn't be a cause of concern...i'd love you still. i won't promise you "forever" though...i just love you. i'll love you 'til my heart finds its reasons go...

and don't worry about me. i am doing this for myself. i am happy loving you and i am more than grateful that you're allowing me to. Am i disappointed? Not in the slightest bit. it may sound cliche but i've never felt happier than now, with you...

though i would have to admit that sometimes it hurts...but then again the pain is just trifling in comparison with the happiness i'm feeling.

do i want more?

i would be a hypocrite if i say that i don't. there is nothing more glorifying than being loved back by the person you love. but i understand. there are really things we just cannot force upon ourselves.

yes, love is a will, love is a decision, love is a commitment. but love, too, is a feeling and not enough willing can ever feign that...so i wouldn't expect nor ask that you give more or feel more. just allow me to love you the best way i can. again, i understand. not even you can bring yourself to bring yourself to love me. but when the time comes that i would also need to be loves as much that i would need to go, i hope you too would understand"

End of note...